Party of 3 or 4?

The big scary question of life. Should we have another child, or not? Right now My family consists of my husband of 5 years (next month), me of coarse, and our newly 3 year old daughter Clara, but not to forget our border terrier Sookie (aka poop stain) that is pretty much a child herself. Both my husband and I have full time jobs that require a lot out of us, and during the day we have our daughter in an AMAZING (but incredibly expensive) early learning center. I will never get to experience being a stay at home mom.

IMG_2047

My beautiful family. (My husband was going through his “hairy face” stage)

I was never one of those girls that dreamt of the day I would become a mother, I never played with dolls or barbies, and I didn’t have my future children’s names picked out, but in the back of my mind I knew that motherhood was probably going to be a part of my future. When we got pregnant with Clara, it took us a year to conceive. I actually had a very early miscarriage, which I have read is very common with first pregnancy’s. But a few weeks later we found out that we were expecting again. My pregnancy wasn’t easy, I was sick all day and night every day and night through the entire 10 months. Pregnancy didn’t look or feel good on my body, I gained 40 pounds, but on my 5′ tall body, it was like 80 pounds. And to be honest I was scared shitless of becoming a mother. I didn’t have the perfect family growing up, and I was terrified that somehow history would repeat itself and I would become my mother.

My birth experience was one for the books too. I was 11 days past due and they had to induce me. 3 days later, after a crap load of pitosin, a fever that spiked to 107, blood pressure that dropped so low the nurses had to give me a shot of adreniline, vomiting and shaking uncontrollably, too small of a birth canal, an emergency c-section where I had to be under full anesthesia, so no one actually got to witness the birth of my daughter, my beautiful daughter was born. She had to be in ICU for 6 days because of my fever, and we both were in the hospital for a total of 8 days after her birth.

Now 3 years later we are contemplating having another child. Clara is as good as kids come, she is just the most amazing kind hearted little human being. Now that she is 3 years old she is getting independent, can dress herself, is potty trained, can fully communicate what she wants, and life is getting so much easier than it was having a baby, then a toddler.

The hardest part for me, is that I really don’t want Clara to grow up without a sibling. I could never imagine my life without my sister. I see these big families full of kids and think of how much fun it must be to have so many siblings, but I know that life isn’t going to be right for our family. It sounds selfish but it was and still is so hard to give up most of my freedom to raise a child. I think about how we can give our daughter a great life by being an only child, but then I worry about if and when me and my husband pass away, she will be all alone. I want her to have someone to grow up with and have crazy memories and moments that only siblings share. Im approaching my mid thirties, so the clock is ticking for me, and Clara just turned 3, so if I were to get pregnant soon they would be at least 4 years apart, and any farther, I feel like they wouldn’t be as close as I would like them to be. So basically it’s now or never.

But I am SO FREAKING SCARED. I can be very selfish, and vain. I am terrified of my body going back to how it was after I gave birth. It took me 2 years to lose the baby weight, mostly out of my own laziness, but my body is not naturally small, and I have to work incredibly hard to be in somewhat decent shape. How will I find the time to work out with 2 children? How will I find the time to do ANYTHING with two children and a full time job. Will 2 carseats fit in my car? I can hardly keep up with all the laundry, dishes and keeping the house somewhat clean-as it is, and to add another person to feed, clean, and take care of into the mix, I don’t know how I could possibly do it. People do it every single day though. I envy these people. Especially the ones with the spotless houses. Oh how I wish I could magically become OCD.

I think my problem is that I am only focusing on the really hard parts, and not focusing on the amazing parts. The amazing magic of pregnancy that you feel with a human growing inside of you, the anticipation of getting to meet this little person you are creating. What are they going to look like? What is their personality going to be like? The wonderful love you feel for your child even through the hourly feedings and no sleep at night. They are not babies and toddlers forever. The first few years will be hard but then it may get easier with 2 children. They will both have someone to play with, and cause trouble with, and grow up with.

We are at that point where we have to make a decision and I seriously suck at making decisions. My lack of being able to make a decision is why we still only have one child. My husband is all for having 2 kids. But he doesn’t have to be pregnant. Wake up with the baby, or stay up all night. Doesn’t have to worry about dropping off or picking up from daycare. Doesn’t have to worry about laundry, dishes, or working through my so-called “maternity leave”, because no one can take over my job for me. I feel like this whole second kid thing is on my plate alone, and I am afraid of doing it, and I am afraid of not doing it, so right now I am not doing anything. I wish I was confident or sure of either not having another or having another.

I would like to hear from you guys out there. Your stories. The ups and downs. Were you an only child, or did you have 5 sisters and brothers? Are you a mother of one, or a mother of three? I know I am not alone in my thinking. But I feel totally alone in the decision, or lack there of.